So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i now understand why vodka
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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