Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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