My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
