He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
