if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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