11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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