I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
