haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
