i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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