Umm I'm too high to move.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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