I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
