There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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