so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
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Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
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Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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