I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
