i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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