I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
