so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
