Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
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OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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