Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
