This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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