her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
