just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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