i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
