I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
