Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize