My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
