apparently the secret to your success is patron
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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