I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
