I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
