Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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