no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
