My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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