I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Vodka?
Forever.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
