i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
