she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
