I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He felt like a one man threesome
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
