He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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