Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
