I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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