i need an iv and a liver transplant
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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