Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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