Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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