i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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