Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
