Whatcha textin bout Willis?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He told me they were just razor bumps!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
sex in a hospital.. check
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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