Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
