I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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