fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
