Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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