How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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