And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
