u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
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He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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