I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
