I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
