Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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