I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
