I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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