conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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