Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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