Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
